Oh man. I was all rarin’ to go on a big old post today. I was gonna teach you how to reupholster dining chairs, because mine are done and they look so awesome I think I can basically consider myself an authority on the subject (or at least on how to half-ass it). I was copying all the photos off my camera onto my hard drive, which was eight photos of the reupholstery process and approximately nineteen photos of myself wearing pink lipstick and trying to find “my good side.” Spoiler alert: I didn’t find it.

Anyway, I got distracted by something–an old episode of Friends, or my own reflection in the side of my smoothie blender, or the opportunity to assist a friendly Nigerian businessman with a bank transfer–and accidentally deleted the reupholstery photos, while saving the nineteen photos of myself staring vapidly into a mirror at various angles. Well, crap. All is not lost, though. I busted out Terminal and did some sweet computer magic and they’re totally being recovered. Problem is it’s taking like hours. So you don’t get that today.

And then of course my blog stats engine is like “HIIIIIIII!! You’ve had a billion visitors in the last three days!” which is really cool except a) I have no photos to post of this project and b) I have no idea where they all came from, but hello billion visitors! I suspect Pinterest has something to do with this.

So while I can’t share my bitchin’ reupholstery job with you today, could I interest sir in a tutorial on how to stare into a camera with precisely the right amount of ennui?

No? Very well, then. Fun fact: I just moved this photo from a folder on my computer called “Narcissism” to one called “Blog.” As though there’s a difference.

I really like those glasses, but I’m pretty sure I should never make any remotely pouty face in them ever again, as I am a little concerned about my growing resemblance to Rick Moranis.

Anyway. Wow. This is probably the least helpful thing I’ve ever written on this blog, including the time when I told you how my brain is basically a game of Scattergories. I promise I’ll get those photos back and show you my rad new chairs, though. ASAP.

Oh, I did make a crap ton of these:

Yep, holiday puffballs. They’re going on presents. I had a craft night with my friends Liz and Sarah the other night, and this is what I made. This and half a friendship bracelet, because damn does it take a long time to tie all those little knots–I’d forgotten. But the instructions are from Martha Stewart’s website. They’re really simple; basically just take around 8 sheets of tissue paper, and cut them down to the size you want (my big puffs were a quarter of a sheet, my little ones were a 6th), stack them up, and fold them like a fan/accordion. Wrap a piece of wire around the middle, then fan out the sides and pull the sheets apart. If you want them to look more flowery, cut the ends of the paper into rounded shapes or points. It’s pretty hard to mess up as long as you’re using tissue paper (gift wrap does not seem to work well).

Since you’re already here, can I ramble for a moment about Martha? Jimmy and I were discussing her the other night and I came to the conclusion that I feel about Martha the way I think lots of people feel about God. I love her, and I think she’s pretty much all-powerful. At the same time, I’m terrified of her. I will defend her to the death against detractors, even though I know she could crush me like a bug. And she totally would. Every time someone says to me “Gosh, that’s fantastic–step aside, Martha Stewart!” (which totally happens all the time because I’m a DIY beast, of course it does) I think “nooooo, don’t say her name, she’ll find me and take me out!” Maybe I think of her more like Voldemort, come to think of it. They are both very powerful, somewhat evil, and were excessively pretty in their youth. Except Martha is still good-lookin’, and Voldy is…well.

To end this post and make it seem like you didn’t read 700+ words about my computer malfunctions, posing problems and Our Lady Martha, I was going to post a fantastic old SNL sketch with Ana Gasteyer called “The Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special,” but alas, NBC doesn’t like people embedding their videos. Clearly it would be very bad for the station if anyone ever saw their shows. Instead, I’ll end with this poster I found while image-searching for Rick Moranis: